


how to cockblock yourself in three simple steps -a guide by Daniel Jacobi

by Taniushka12



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Cockblocking, Crack, Humor, M/M, Mentions of Hilbert, Secret Relationship, jacobi cockblocking himself because hes an asshole, kind of...?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-05-23 21:31:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14941749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taniushka12/pseuds/Taniushka12
Summary: Eiffel really should have known better than to run his mouth in front of his enemy (even if he was, in fact, on said enemy's bed at the moment), but alas, he didn't thought Jacobi was going to be such an idiot.





	how to cockblock yourself in three simple steps -a guide by Daniel Jacobi

**Author's Note:**

> This monster is based on a scenario i had once that i thought was hilarious, but since nearly nobody paid me attention and i was too lazy to make it into a comic here it is, in its full glory

They tried to keep their thing a secret, shared looks when nobody was looking, discreet touches on the camera's blind spots, heated kisses on the brief-brig-that-was-again-a storage room when they were alone. And they were succeeding, really, kind of a miracle if you asked them. Nobody suspected anything, at least on Eiffel's part, and that's why he was there that night taking the risk gladly. Jacobi's room was a mess of things thrown in the floor, clothes, papers, things that if Eiffel didn't know better would think are dynamite (and probably still are), but his mind was too busy for him to pick up all that.

 It has been a while since they closed the door, taking good advantage of the room's artificial gravity as Jacobi pulled him closer on his bed, biting his lip and gasping when he felt his cold hands on the skin of his sides. They quickly took off his clothes down to their underwear, and Jacobi lay down with his back on the blanket with a smile, liking the way Eiffel's gaze traveled his body. Eiffel licked his lips before smiling, and saying.

 —Now  _this_  is good. You have no idea how long it's been since the last time i did this. Or saw a naked guy in general, actually. —He made a face before laughing—. I mean, besides Hilbert, but  _that_  doesn't count.

 After his quick laugh died he went down to kiss him again, threading his hands through his hair and then down his chest, while he started pressing kisses on his neck unaware of Jacobi's change of demeanour. He kept his hands on his back, sighing when he felt his tongue on him but barking a laugh after it. Eiffel looked up with a question on his face.

 —Oh my god... Eiffel I knew you were desperate but Hilbert? Seriously?

 —...What?

 —I mean I get being into older guys but-

 —Hey, hey, I don't like your tone, what are you imp-?

 —I can't believe you fucked  _Hilbert_  of all people!

 It took him a few seconds of him laughing quietly against the pillow to process those words, putting his hands on the bed and lifting himself in a hurry.

 —What!? I didn- Take that back!

 —Then what, he sucked you off? Because last time I checked that did count.

 —He didn't suck me off!  **Nobody**  sucked anyone off between the two, okay? Nothing happened!

 Jacobi looked at him with a raised eyebrow while Eiffel made wild gestures with his hands and denied with his head, perhaps too enthusiastically.

 —Why would you see the guy naked then? You? I get it, he's a doctor, but him? —he sneered—Now that's suspicious. —Jacobi knew it was hypocritical of his part, having seen his team in different states of undress many times, but... well... for one, seeing him getting all this worked up was hilarious, and was in itself a thing to enjoy.

(secondly, he was starting to feel a little too defensive for something he didn't do, and that picked his curiosity)

 Eiffel looked at him with a frown, looked at the side with a sigh and then back at him.

 —Okay so one time we miiight have gone too far with the space paranoia and, y'know, ended up half-naked to make sure the other didn't have... well, a certain object-

 — _A certain-_

 —A  _screwdriver!_  —He sat down on his spread legs, scrunching his face with his hand—. Minkowski appeared, we blamed her for it, it was a mess. At the end it was the Plant Monster's fault and we went back to being as presentable as we can be. And no, we didn't fuck, or whatever.

 He stared down at him, frowning but palms open in question. Jacobi was still pressed down the blankets, looking up at him with a smirk and a raised rugged eyebrow. His smirk faltered for a second.

 —Plant Monster?

 —Minkowski's Moby Dick, that "nice little gemlin" that... —He stopped himself, looked at the distance for a second before sighing, next words ushered with a certain bitterness—...You know, the thing you blew up.

 —...Sorry about that. —Jacobi wasn't particularly sad about it, but...

 —...I know, I know, it wasn't your... —He gestured with his hand, not wanting to talk about that in that moment—. Forget it. Can we go back to what we were doing?

 —You... mean... talking about the time your doctor f-

 —Say that again and I'll float away through that door.

 —Wow, wow, okay. Jeez, so much aggression. —He pressed his hands down through the legs on each side of his body as a half-baked apology with a smile—. So much aggression in your tiny body.

 —Hey, I'm big... —He complained, going down again, supporting himself with his hands and holding his head above his face

 —Yeah, but you're still short. —He raised his face, with a shit eating grin that Eiffel couldn't wait to get rid off, without being able to help his own smile.

 —Shut up.

 The kiss started slow, but quickly took off pace when Jacobi licked into his mouth. They fell down again into the mattress, Eiffel's hands running through his face, hair and body while his hand tried to pull him even closer. Jacobi whined inside his mouth when his cold fingers traced his sensitive stomach, dragging his own hand through his back and pressing himself into him.

 Eiffel pressed his lips in the corner of his mouth, one hand on his stomach while the other held his face while he kissed down his face and neck. Jacobi sighed, hand running through his lover's black hair, knowing how much he liked it. Feeling his parted lips on his neck he took a fistful of long curls, trying to convey him to bite him, and he sighed when he took the cue.

 —Hmm, Doug. —He could feel his dark brown eyes out of the corner of his eyes and the brief smile on his sightly stinging skin, before he felt him shift on top of him and finally kiss him again while thrusting his hips against his—. D-shi, Doug.

 —Hmm.

 Jacobi felt him get hard above him with only the two layers of cloth between them and moaned inside his mouth. Eiffel was right about something, it has been a while since he did it and while he really wanted to get down to it already he had to admit the foreplay was pretty good enough. He could spent a long time with that warm body straddling him and that hot mouth on his skin. Really good mouth, when he used it for something that wasn't talking.

 Hypocritical of him to think, then, about that certain thing he had said a few minutes ago, without being able to keep his stupid mouth shut.

 —Doug... —He licked his lips as he felt his thumb hook on the fabric of his underwear, but before he could take it off a chaste laugh escaped his lips, and as Doug looked up with a raised eyebrow in question he finished that bad joke he started and that  _of course_  he had to finish—. Are you sure you're all clean? I wouldn't want to catch any russian disease tonight.

* * *

 Of all the things that he expected to happen, he genuinely didn't expect Doug to just, literally, get up, get his clothes and start to leave. He tried to stop him, floating on his underwear as quickly and silently as he could manage to not wake up Maxwell and Kepler, which was difficult when he was also whispering with gritted teeth.

 —Hey! Doug, come ON! You can't leave me like this!

 Doug briefly looked at him, all lanky limbs trying to keep himself afloat, goosebumps all over his very not covered skin and a half hard on. He, also, truly had the face of a man who really wanted to get laid. Well, too bad.

 —Watch me.

 — _Doug._

 —Bye.

 —You can't unfuck the russian guy anyway!

 — _Bye-ing harder!_

 — ** _Doug!_**

**Author's Note:**

> You wanna know whats the best part about this? This originally was inspired by the episode Paranoia Game, but given that I actually ship heiffel you cant know for sure if jacobi is wrong or not lmao
> 
> Also one day i Will write an actual jacoffel smut, bc god knows i wanna write that :1


End file.
